Am I Actually Driven or Just Good at Performing with Structure

10 more seconds… and I will be done. Anyone can do anything for 10 seconds, I repeat over in my head. Finally, my finishing timer beeps and I stand, trying to stabilize my haggard breath. As I look at the sweat soaked ground in which I stand and I realize I am extremely out of shape. It’s only been 1 year since I retired from my sport but damn, I am winded. The workout I just put myself through is about ¼ as strenuous and long as my typical workouts in college. Why was this one so hard? Have I really been going to the gym 3 times a week? I was a damn college athlete. My short workout boycott after graduation had become more of a weekly norm than I ever intended.


I was always the hardest working, most driven and the most in shape girl on the team. So what happened to my drive? Why am I now a casual gym goer? Fitness is still important to me. As I stood there alone in my sweaty puddle, I couldn't help but to think…. Is it because it is not mandatory? Because I am now alone?


As I reflect back on myself in as an athlete in college, I always had a huge support system. I had constant guidance…. from a strict training regimen, teammates, coaches, and constant oversight. How many coaches did I actually have? Hmmm….my head coach, position coach, assistant coach, strength and conditioning coach, physical trainer, nutritionist, sports psychologist, academic guide… holy shit… that is 8. I had absolutely everything planned for me, from class times to practice to meals to tutoring. Is this where my motivation came from? Is this where my success came from? From the structure I had in my life? Because I am definitely struggling without it.



**Pictures do not represent the author in this blog piece. 

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